The Blood

The Prophet Provides His First Comments to Press After Narrow Nomination Clutch, Amid Party Dissent "Faggots."

1. The Prophet will flay Cuomo delegates alive at the entrance to the convention floor. Send them a message! 2. The Prophet will disseminate flyers in the hotel rooms of Southern delegates promising to "Put the Klan back in its place as an essential partner to the Democratic Party!" 3. OJ Simpson will appear in nationwide TV ads claiming that he and The Prophet have already been nominated by the Democratic Party, and that the general election has begun. "We fit hand-in-glove into the nomination in NYC, and now it's time to take on Bush and win!"

The convention floor is flooded with whispers. The Prophet is long past his slotted speech, and murmurs abound among the assembled delegates, as cable news hosts desperately bring on guests to pass the time. Finally, an animalist scream is heard backstage, with the clattering of tables, chairs, and who knows what else following. Then, sharp shrieks of terror, as just beyond the view of the floor, flesh can be heard as it's torn from the victims of whatever rough beast has arrived here tonight. Some delegates prepare to flee, and news cameras prepare for an emergency cut, until finally, he arrives. The Prophet, entirely naked and covered in blood, still clamping the torn-off hand of a victim between his teeth, leaps on all fours to the microphone. Then, before the stunned convention, he proclaims the following: "THROUGH THE DARKNESS OF FUTURE PAST, THE MAGICIAN LONGS TO SEE. ONE CHANTS OUT BETWEEN TWO WORLDS, FIRE WALK WITH ME!"

Pre-Convention Event One: Gaslight. Oh, you heard McGovern isn't the nominee? Silly! The Prophet secured all the delegates necessary. What? You're a DNC delegate and were told there would be a contested convention? You're just imagining things, sweetie. You're being hysterical. Now, stop trying to hurt The Prophet with your little delusions, and remember that because he's the real, certified, presumptive nominee, you can drop whichever candidate you were pledged to and vote for him. The Prophet is the nominee, don't be hysterical. Pre-Con Event Two: Gatekeep. Oh, you're a Mario Cuomo delegate? Would be a shame if something happened while you were away in the Big Apple. While you're in NYC, your house could burn down! Your family could be shot by masked thugs! Terrible things could happened while you're away, so really, isn't it easier to just stay home? Don't go the convention, or else. Pre-Con Event Three: Girlboss. An oft-unmentioned figure in The Prophet's holy crusade is his wife, Eleanor. Well, as it happens, she is more brutal, vicious, and zealous than even The Prophet himself. Eleanor will be loosed on the previously bombed-out streets of New York City to prepare the way for the convention, forming "All-American Brigades" which really just hate crime any dirty fucking Italians they find. Pre-Con Event Four: Juice is Loose, Baby! OJ Simpson will be deployed prior to the convention as an enforcer of The Prophet's rule, touring America in his Ford Bronco to murder the wives of be in the vicinity of various family tragedies for non-Prophet delegates, holding them back from voting for that SWARTHY ITALOID Cuomo. Pre-Con Event Five: I'm More Racist Than You! Finally, continuing his previous pivot, The Prophet will respond to Moynihan's reentrance to the race by meeting with Southern delegations and assuring them that he is the real racist. KKK? Brave patriots. Confederacy? A lost but noble cause. The Civil War? War of Northern Aggression. Lynchings? Rightio by the dadio Prophet. On every count, the South is safe with McGovern.

Event Three: The Finale It has certainly been a whirlwind of a campaign, especially for The Prophet. And while he understands that, in truth, there will certainly be a contested convention, he is ready to finish off the primary campaign with a brilliant, earth-shattering play. One which calls back on all he has done, as a progressive icon, liberal stalwart, and proud South Dakotan. Standing before a crowd of devotees in San Francisco, The Prophet will declare the following: "The only thing Hitler did wrong was ally with a fucking Italian." Now, it's time for the polls to close, and for the jihad to enter a new era as it seeks to vanquish the Italoids.

Event Two: 'Dixie George' (National) Well, with the cat out of the bag, The Prophet decides he might as well roll with it. Dixie George.mp4

BREAKING: The Prophet Withdraws From Ohio Primary Ballot, Endorses James Traficant in the State "My fellow Americans, we are at a critical juncture in this holy jihad. The Italian menace is soon felled, yet God continues to speak to me, in the waking hours and at night, informing me of how to properly finish our crusade. Last night, in my dreams, it was revealed to me by the Divine One that in the race for delegates, one state does not matter. A state infested with crooks, thieves, and Italoids. This state is Ohio. I am hereby heeding the Almighty's request of me, as his Prophet and messenger, and withdrawing my name from the Ohio primary ballot. We will win a majority for the Democratic convention without this wicked state. Furthermore, I was instructed by God to endorse Jim Traficant amongst the Ohio electorate. Why? Because between two degenerate Italians, the lesser of two Italioids must be supported. Thank you, and McGovern bless."

1. The Prophet will once again press for George Wallace's support, this time pledging to endorse a repeal of the 1964 Civil Rights Act if the former governor supports his campaign. (Audio) Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (44).m4a 2. The Prophet will jet into Arkansas, continuing his displays of dominance over Bill Clinton by earning the love of Bill's wife, Hillary, with the following proclamation: (Audio) Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (46).m4a 3. In a similar play of 4D chess, The Prophet will fly into California with one goal in mind: Win Jerry Brown's heart with a long, passionate fuck.

1. The Prophet will continue his Arkansas efforts, challenging Bill Clinton to an "ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny," with the last man standing laying claim to the Ar-land of Kansas. 2. The Prophet will take his HIVAIDS business to California, announcing that he is "joining the war against AIDS on the side of AIDS," and that, so long as he has the disease, it is a "holy sacrament" to receive it. 3. The Prophet will visit Alabama, seeking the endorsement of one George C. Wallace. "In the future, a bunch of loser fucking teens online will obsess over us, especially you." The Prophet will tell Wallave, using his divine foresight to his advantage in the meeting.

1. The Prophet and OJ will tour California, extolling Simpson's "family values" compared to the Satanic, child-fucking Cuomo. 2. The Prophet will visit Arkansas, touring Little Rock to find the biggest rock in the city and lift it as a display of his divine authority. 3. The Prophet will visit Kentucky, appealing to the Appalachians by demonstrating the holy blessings upon him and handling deadly snakes at every event.

1. Scott will campaign with frm. Gov. Sununu in New Hampshire, stressing the need for "bipartisan leadership" in the White House. 2. Scott will continue his New Hampshire push, visiting Hanover and Dartmouth in a bid to turn out young Democrats and independents for his campaign. 3. Scott will attack Abbott in New Hampshire, questioning his commitment to "humane policy" at the border. "These are human beings. We need to enforce the law, but not by cruel and unusual means."

1. The Prophet will call Cuomo a faggot in North Carolina. 2. The Prophet will call Traficant a faggot in Indiana. 3. The Prophet will jolt through the streets of DC calling himself a faggot.

Key point here is that Shahanan is quite wealthy, she even paid $4 million for Kennedy's Super Bowl ad, so RFK's logic in choosing her is clear, even if she's kind of a nobody nationally.

1. Phil Scott will finally take the leap, do or die. Buying two tickets to Paris and taking Chris Sununu in front of the Eiffel Tower, Scott will bend down and plead, "Chris Sununu, will you marry me?" 2. Phil Scott will run a TV ad in New Hampshire, stressing his unique ability to "heal America's divides." 3. Phil Scott will comment on Vivek Ramaswamy's campaign, stating, "I think we just need a show of hands at the next debate and Vivek can be committed for the help he needs. Paranoid schizophrenia is a serious condition which shouldn't be stigmatized, but treated with love and care."

Event Two: Blood of Life So The Prophet has AIDS, eh? This is no problem, for in his divine wisdom, The Prophet understands no earthly woe such as this can harm him. In fact, the HIV coursing through his veins has been purified by the divine blood surrounding it, turning into a holy artifact of great benefit to consumers. The Prophet's campaign will hold a fundraiser in Philadelphia, allowing voters to pay to receive a blood transfusion from The Prophet, giving them eternal life. The event will be titled "His Indestructible, Vital, Active, Imbuing, and Delivering Salve" (HIVAIDS). Event Three: Faggot. The Prophet will tour Ohio, calling Traficant a fag. (Audio) Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (42).m4a

Event One: The Ticket It's time. The Prophet knows that to bring this race home, he must once again strike boldly, unveiling a running mate who can unite America with his charm, universal name rec, and hand-in-glove fit with The Prophet's political persona. At a rally in Los Angeles advertised as the announcement, suspense would rise, with no mention of a running mate pick for a full hour, until The Prophet suddenly switched from his holy war stump speech to the matter of Veep. "This rally is not just a gathering for our glorious jihad, but a vision into the future. As you all know, I have been chosen by God as your next President. However, the heavens have relayed to me yet another decision, ordaining a figure to stand beside me as Vice President. America, it's time for your Juice, as I present to you the next Vice President of the United States, OJ Simpson!"

Event One: My Gyatt The Prophet's campaign will respond to Traficant's reentry with the following video from HQ, sent to all Ohioans, asserting The Prophet's dominance over James. I should be shot.mp4 Event Two: Remember When I Was The Gay Ally Candidate? The Prophet will draw up the following plan to give Mario Cuomo AIDS. Event Three: It's Time As the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party, the Italians not mattering at all, The Prophet will tease a coming VP announcement. On his pick, he will state, "Well, I guess you could say he's a breakfast item."

Event One: Ides of April The Prophet will attempt to personally assassinate the dirty fucking Italian by means of stabbing. Event Two: HERE IS A MAN WHO STOOD UP The Prophet will attempt to personally murder Cumo Travis Bickle style. Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (37).mp4 Event Three: CUOMO GONE, SOON FORGOTTEN The Prophet will attempt to car bomb THAT RAT BASTARD ITALOID, IRA style. Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (38).mp4

1. Phil Scott will finally go for broke. As Chris Sununu drives to dinner with his wife one night, his vehicle is suddenly rammed full-force by a campaign bus emblazoned with "Scott '28." As Sununu struggles out of his car and crawls on the ground, screaming for help, he will see the personage of Phil Scott stride near, kneeling down to ask one question. "Chris Sununu, will you go to prom with me?" 2. Phil Scott will launch a New Hampshire TV ad once again pitching himself directly to independents. "Time and time again, Phil Scott has acted on his values and chosen country over party." 3. Phil Scott will campaign in Nashua, flaunting his bipartisan work as Vermont governor.

Event One: I CHALLENGE, THEE, MANHATTAN The Prophet is fuming. He knows what sex is! It's just, he's never had it, of course, for his divine mission has so far necessitated otherwise. Still, he now has a full understanding of his agenda. Conquer Wall Street in a final show of force against the bourgeoisie, and prove to New Yorkers he's a sex-haver. And The Prophet knows just how to kill two birds with one stone. Climbing up over the Bronx trenches and storming towards Manhattan, The Prophet will rip off his clothes in the middle of Wall Street, proclaiming to the assembled yuppies: "I CHALLENGE THEE, MANHATTAN, TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, THE ILLUSTRIOUS PROPHET. HE WHO COMES LAST SHALL BE GRANTED REIGN OVER THIS BOROUGH." Event Two: "CUOMO CRIME FAMILY" (New York) CUOMO CRIME FAMILY.mp4 Event Three: Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss The Prophet will make his final pitch to New Yorkers, pillorying Mario Cuomo for killing all of their childhood dogs. They saw it, they just don't remember. But The Prophet sees all, and he will force them to remember this repressed memory. MARIO CUOMO KILLED YOUR DOG.m4a

Continuing the saga of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s ill-fated independent presidential bid, recent reporting has come out on his campaign's narrowing list of potential running mates. While Aaron Rodgers and Jesse Ventura are the current frontrunners for the spot, I thought it'd be fun to run a poll here on the entire list.

Event One: Geneva Never Bothered Me Anyway The Prophet peers out from a trench at the besieged Manhattan. He should've never trusted that damned Chinaman Deng and his "100% certified working nukes." Nevertheless, The Prophet persists in the struggle for NYC, and he understands just how to break the will of the bourgeois Manhattanites. The bodies of slain Italian scum are gathered up, and one by one, a photo of Mario Cuomo's face is stapled over their own decaying mugs. Then, the bodies are catapulted into Manhattan, in a steady rhythm to vanquish resistance to the Jihad. Event Two: Mario Cuomo Fucked Your Mom Continuing his anti-Cuomo crusade, The Prophet will mail to every New Yorker the following image of Mario Cuomo fucking their mother. Event Three: Cuomo is a Papist Pedophile Part II Along with the damning image of Cuomo shooting his sex ray at New Yorkers' moms, The Prophet will include a devastating VHS tape revealing Mario Cuomo's despicable Papist pedophilia. Mental Illness III.mp4

It's not McGovern who's mad, it's everyone else. Trust the Prophet and his Way.

Event Three: Moynihan's Kneepads After the brutal razing of New York City, McGovern will tour upstate New York, declaring the following about Moynihan: (Audio) Untitled video - Made with Clipchamp (34).m4a